In my imagination I'd go straight from Penn Station to the offices of "One Life to live," where I would drop off my bags and spruce up before heading off for drinks with Cord Roberts and Victoria Buchannon, the show's greatest stars. I have been struggling to put my finger on exactly what I mean because there is dark humor I enjoy and this isn’t it. So, if there is a costume involved, I tend not only to accept the leaflet, but to accept it graciously, saying, "Thank you so much," and thinking, You poor, pathetic son of a bitch.

On any given day you can be an Entrance Elf, a Water Cooler Elf, a Bridge Elf, Train Elf, Maze Elf, Island Elf, Magic Window Elf, Emergency Exit Elf, Counter Elf, Magic Tree Elf, Pointer Elf, Santa Elf, Photo Elf, Usher Elf, Cash Register Elf, Runner Elf, or Exit Elf. Don't waste your money on this collection, especially the hardcover version, unless you really want to spend money on stories about a baby killed in a washing machine, a husband and wife giving away their two 10 year-old sons to a homeless man to one-up their neighbor by being the most charitable, and eyeballs kept in baby food jars. or what if I rate too many books highly (will people think I’m indiscriminate about which books are my favorites and therefore consider me unreliable? Along with the dragging, carrying, yanking, pulling, swearing and crying that goes with getting my hoard from the basement to the various areas of my house also comes the annual re-listen to my Darling David telling me tales of Christmases past.When I went to Okinawa back in February I wasn’t expecting it to be my last vacation but 🎶 “no one told you life was gonna be this way” 👏👏 👏 👏 I’m so glad I went and got to explore such a beautiful island. I numbly took my signed book from him and waited for my friend then slowly headed back to the dorms to pass out, wondering who tells those kinds of jokes to strangers, let alone young college freshman at 2 am? I protested that I hadn’t read anything by them or knew any of their work but my friend was like it’ll be fine. Dunbar's slow descent into insanity during the holiday season—belied by her insistently cheerful tone—as she is forced to cope with the discovery of her husband's infidelity, the resultant prostitute stepdaughter left in their care, and her drug-addict daughter's premature pregnancy.

This morning we were lectured by the SantaLand managers and presented with a Xeroxed booklet of regulations titled "The Elfin Guide.

They don’t actually care about being a Santa elf, they don’t get into it like the other embarrassing excited holiday elves do. I listen to the audio version which features Sedaris himself reading, I enjoy listening to him so much more then reading it,he brings that extra something. So it might be a little cruel of me to review a book about Christmas when Christmas is off most of our radars, but, hey, there's still snow on the ground where I live so I'm allowing myself this review.

Along with such favorites as the diaries of a Macy's elf and the annals of two very competitive families, are Sedaris's tales of tardy trick-or-treaters ("Us and Them"); the difficulties of explaining the Easter Bunny to the French ("Jesus Shaves"); what to do when you've been locked out in a snowstorm ("Let It Snow"); the puzzling Christmas traditions of other nations ("Six to Eight Black Men"); what Halloween at the medical examiner's looks like ("The Monster Mash"); and a barnyard secret Santa scheme gone awry ("Cow and Turkey").I said I liked the uniforms and the UPS interviewer turned my application facedown on his desk and said, "Give me a break.