You’re not getting the keys to the car. Before you get the keys, I want three things from you. I want you to cut your hair, I want you to dump your loser friends, and I want you to start going to church again.” Las Vegas and Glasgow have a lot in common: they’re the only two places in the world where you can pay for sex with chips.” – Frankie Boyle Why did the bee ignore the advice to “Don’t be silly, wrap your willy”? Because he believed in natural pollination! A scene of the crucifixion of Jesus comes on. He’s screaming in agony as a Roman centurion hammers away at his wrists. The Roman stops, turns to the camera, smiles, and says, “You always know you’re doing the job right when you use Johnson nails!” My wife said she would leave me if I don't stop comparing everything to Bruce Willis movies, but you know what they say about old habits... They Pulp Fiction.

I got my son a trampoline for his birthday. The ungrateful boy sat in his wheelchair the hole time! What did the cowboy say when someone questioned his decision not to wrap his willy? “Don’t worry, partner. My horse keeps the snakes away!”

What's the difference between a hippo and a Zippo? One is really heavy, and the other is a little lighter. The thing I don’t get about paedophilia… Why the hell do kids find old men in dirty raincoats so sexy?” – Frankie Boyle Some other filthy jokes:

Why did the barber disregard the slogan “Don’t be silly, wrap your willy”? Because he believed in the power of a clean shave!The c ashier says : “ Yes, I know who you are, but with all the regulations and monitoring of the banks because of impostors and forgers and requirements of the legislation, etc., I must insist on seeing ID. ” What did the doctor say to his patient? “Don’t be silly, wrap your appendix, Willy! We don’t want any unexpected surgeries!”