The “It’s Better Than Nothing” Excuse Dear Greg, I’ve been dating a guy for six months. We see each other about every two weeks. We have a great time, we have sex, it’s all really nice. I thought if I just let things develop, we would start to see each other more often. But instead, it’s staying in this every-two-weeks situation. I really like him, so I still feel like it’s better than nothing. And you never know, things can change at any time. I know he’s really busy, and maybe this is the most time he can dedicate to a relationship right now. So maybe I should actually feel honored that he’s able to give me as much time as he does, and he might actually really like me. No? Lydia FROM THE DESK OF GREG Dear Better Than Nothing, Really? Is better than nothing what we’re going for now? I was hoping for at least a lot better than nothing. Or perhaps even something. Have you lost your marbles? Why should you feel honored for getting scraps of his time? Just because he’s busy doesn’t make him more valuable. “Busy” does not mean “better.” In my book, any guy who can wait two weeks to see you, is just not that into you. Oh, how easy it is for you all to forget what it’s about! Let me remind you: It’s about the guy who wants you, calls you, makes you feel sexy and desired fully. He wants to see you more and more often because every time he sees you, he likes and then loves you more and more. I know. Every two weeks, once a month, seeing someone, having a little love and affection may help you get through the day or the week or the month—but will it help you get through a lifetime? The “Is This Really an Excuse?” Dilemma Dear Greg, I’m thirty-three and have been living with a guy for two years. We are in love, he’s great to me, and we get along perfectly. He has no problems committing to me—he just doesn’t want to get married. He married young and got divorced young. He says he doesn’t want to ruin a good thing. It seems insane of me to break up with him because he doesn’t want to get married. We are sharing a life together and are very happy. He’s even open to having kids. He just doesn’t want to get married. In this case, I don’t think he’s just not that into me. I think he’s just not that into marriage. Lindsey FROM THE DESK OF GREG Dear Common Law Lady, Okay, this may be controversial, but I’m going to say it. No matter how traumatic a divorce was (and I know they can be traumatic in epic proportions), the person you plan on spending your life and having children with should love you enough to get over it if getting married is important to you. Only you can decide if marriage is a deal breaker for you. I can’t tell you if it’s worth breaking up with him if you’re happy and have a nice life together. That’s for you to decide. I have never been divorced, I’ll give you that, but I’d marry my wife in every time zone if that’s what she wanted. In my very conventional opinion, I believe one foot in is the same as one foot out. Marriage is a tradition that has been somewhat imposed on us, and therefore has a lot of critics. Be that as it may, if someone is as against marriage as you are for it, please make sure there aren’t other things going on besides he’s just not that into the institution. Sometimes I really despise being part of a time and in a culture that is losing the ability to date – and face it, we are. But it’s really hard to tell if someone is into you if the entire cultural approach to dating has turned on its head. So maybe the guy who texts you vehemently on Friday night who is clearly under liquid courage is doing so because he doesn’t know any better (but he is really into you). Or maybe he’s doing so because it’s a booty call. One thing is for sure, in this day and age, any person who says they want to go on an actual, real-life date with you, is definitely into you. 4. “He’s just not that into you if he’s not having sex with you.” It’s So Simple What’s the big, nasty, awful shame, ladies? It’s okay to want to get married. And it’s okay to ask someone if they see themselves being married, or if they see themselves being married to you. Let me remind you: There are many, many men out there who want to be and are getting married; that’s why there’s so many florists, priests, and taffeta-makers out there. P.S.: Don’t spend your time on and give your heart to any guy who makes you wonder about anything related to his feelings for you.

It’s So Simple Learn it, live it, like it, love it: If a man likes you, he’s going to want to have sex with you. Sure, things may slow down in a long-term relationship, but even then, it’s a joy, a gift, and your right to have a fantastic sex life. IF YOU DON’T BELIEVE GREG 100% of men polled said they’ve never been too busy to call a woman they were really into. As one fine man said, “A man has got to have his priorities.”Here’s Why This One is Hard, by Liz Because it’s you—not someone you read about or heard about or saw on TV. It’s you and it’s hard. And you deserve happiness just like his wife or his girlfriend does. And sometimes people get married before they’ve actually met the person they’re meant to be with. Or marriages just die and there’s nothing left to them. And if they’re not married, but somehow deeply distracted by someone else, well, most men are usually coming out of some situation while they get into the next one…so why not hang on for dear life until he shakes off his ex? The operative word in both cases here is “wait.” You have to do the waiting—the biding your time, biting your tongue, keeping your needs quiet. He’s so special, that guy. He deserves to have you sit around, putting your life on hold, not getting what you want, while he takes his time sorting it all out. He’s that special. You, of course, aren’t at all. Now, I happen to be really good at biding my time and asking for little and being happy with the even less that I get. I haven’t personally dated a married man, but I am an expert in dating emotionally unavailable ones. I have to be honest—it feels really noble and romantic and dramatic to be filled with longing and heartache, knowing the man you love, for whatever reason, can’t be yours right now. And you’re willing to wait for him, because your feelings for him are so very large and profound. (Of course, I am now suspicious that my feelings for them all felt so large and profound precisely because they couldn’t be mine, but I wouldn’t be able to prove that in court.) If you’re really comfortable with that, too, and nothing that this book or your friends or your therapist can say will help you change that, then eventually, I hope, like me, you’ll eventually just get tired of it. Sometimes all the psychological help in the world can’t do anything. Sometimes boredom just has to set in. You get bored with always having less than everybody else seems to have, less than what you want. You start thinking that maybe you actually deserve better, not because you learned to love yourself or lost all that weight or saw that great episode on Dr. Phil, but just because you got bored. Bored with the same type of misery over and over and over again. That’s what happened to me, I think. I hope it will be a lot faster for you. Greg, I Get It! by Corinna, Age 35 I was dating a guy for a couple of months when it suddenly dawned on me that he didn’t seem particularly excited about me. In the past, that would have made me try harder, make excuses for it, and even confront him with it. Instead I did a little experiment. I assumed he just wasn’t that into me and I stopped calling him. As I suspected, he never called me again! I can’t believe how much time I saved just by recognizing that I was the one doing all the work, and that I wanted more! This is What It Should Look Like, by Liz I have a lady friend whose boyfriend had just moved cross country to live with her, and we were all out having drinks. We got on the subject of marriage, and he went on a huge diatribe of how he didn’t believe in marriage. He grew up in an environment where there was crazy pressure to get married, and all he saw were unhappy, unhealthy marriages. My friend was surprised by this strong reaction, and fairly upset about it. She wasn’t an intensely marriage-minded gal, but she always thought it was going to be an option. She gave it a good deal of thought and realized that what she really wanted was just to be with this man, who had just moved his entire life to be with her. So she got used to the idea that she would never be married. A year later he proposed, because he realized he was in love with her and knew it was something that was important to her.

He’s Just Not That Into You - If He Only Wants to See You When He’s Drunk If He Likes You, He’ll Want to See You When His Judgment isn’t Impaired It’s really fun to drink and date. Who doesn’t like to bring booze to the make-out party? It can make you more confident, and let’s face it, confidence is a rush and you are more likely to talk dirty. It’s all good, as long as you don’t confuse ice-breaking for real intimacy. Being drunk or high are altered states that can actually take you away from real feelings. Be aware that if Boozy the Clown has to slip on the red nose every time it gets intimate, it could be symptomatic of a bigger problem.You Are All Dating the Same Guy Hey. I know that guy you’re dating. Yeah, I do. He’s that guy that’s so tired from work, so stressed about the project he’s working on. He’s just been through an awful breakup and it’s really hitting him hard. His parents’ divorce has scarred him and he has trust issues. Right now he has to focus on his career. He can’t get involved with anyone until he knows what his life is about. He just got a new apartment and the move is a bitch. As soon as it all calms down he’ll leave his wife, girlfriend, crappy job. God, he’s so complicated. He is a man made up entirely of your excuses. And the minute you stop making excuses for him, he will completely disappear from your life. Are there men who are too busy or have been through something so horrible that makes it hard for them to get involved? Yes, but there are so few of them that they should be considered urban legends. For as already suggested, a man would rather be trampled by elephants that are on fire than tell you that he’s just not that into you. That’s why we’ve written this book. We wanted to get the excuses out of the closet, so to speak, so they can be seen for exactly what they are: really bad excuses. Hey—do you remember that movie when the girl waited around for the guy to ask her out, then made excuses when he didn’t? Then she slept with him when they were both drunk, and basically just hung around until they were kind of dating? Then he cheated on her, but because she knew deep down inside that if she forgave him and kept her expectations low and was really agreeable that she’d get him in the end? He was drunk at the wedding but they lived miserably ever after in an unsatisfying relationship that was built on a shitty foundation? You don’t? That’s because those movies don’t get made, because that’s not what love is like. People are inspired to do remarkable things to find and be with the one they love. Big movies are made about it, and every relationship you admire bursts with a greatness that you hope for in your own life. And the more you value yourself, the more chance you’ll have of getting it. So read these excuses, have a laugh, and then…put them all to rest. You’re worth it.

The “But at Least He Knew Her” Excuse Dear Greg, I’ve been going out with a guy for about a year. We are in love and get along great. Recently he met with his ex-wife who he hasn’t seen in about a year. (She had left him because she met someone else.) They have been divorced about two years. They slept together. I am very upset and want to break up with him. He wants me to forgive him because it wasn’t like it was someone new; it was his ex-wife. He promises me that it will never happen again—just old feelings came up and he couldn’t control himself. I want to forgive him—it was only once—but it feels like everything is ruined. Can he really be in love with me and do this to me? Joyce FROM THE DESK OF GREG Dear Ruined, Who decided to put the “ex” in “sex”? You’re telling me that the “get out of her vagina free” card is that he used to be married to her? Does that mean he can also sleep with the woman who cleans his teeth? How about the lady who develops his photos? Hope he’s not going to his high school reunion. Again, it doesn’t really matter if he’s still in love with you. He’s given you a pretty big clue about how he feels about your relationship. The bigger question is, can you still be in love with him? You can’t blame a guy for having feelings. You love someone, you break up, you still have feelings. Thank God for that really. But having feelings doesn’t mean you have to have sex. That required him to take his feelings and use them to be somewhere alone with his beloved, undress her, kiss her, and do all the other things involved with having sexual intercourse with someone. Hooray for feelings. Just keep them in your pants. FROM THE DESK OF GREG Dear Twenty Pounds, I definitely think you should lose 175 pounds—in the form of your loser boyfriend—not the twenty that you’re talking about. He just cheated on you and called you fat. How many low self-esteem protein shakes can one person drink? Using your weight as an excuse for his cheating is not only mean, but simply not valid. If he has a problem with anything in your relationship, he’s supposed to talk to you about it, not put-his-penis-in-a-strange-vagina about it. And by the way, how’s he going to react if you ever get pregnant or grow older and get a few wrinkles? Or wear a color he doesn’t like? Get rid of this loser or I’m going to come to your house and get rid of him for you. Our Super-Good Really Helpful Workbook It’s very easy for us to give advice, and quite honestly, it’s kind of fun. We’ve even learned a little about ourselves in the process. (Well, at least Liz has.) Why don’t you give it a try? It’s fun to feel you know better than other people! - 15 - Greg, I Get It! by Traci, Age 25 Greg, I get it! I had two dates with a guy. On the second date we slept together. He said he would call me the next day (Tuesday) and he didn’t call me until the weekend. When he called, I told him that it was too late. He was stunned, but really, I don’t have time for that shit. It was the first time I had ever done anything like that and it felt great! It’s So Simple Imagine right now that I’m leaping up and down and shaking my fist at the sky. I’m on my knees pleading with you. I’m saying this in a loud voice: “Please, if you can trust one thing I say in this book, let it be this: When it comes to men, deal with us as we are, not how you’d like us to be.” I know it’s an infuriating concept—that men like to chase and you have to let us chase you. I know. It’s insulting. It’s frustrating. It’s unfortunately the truth. My belief is that if you have to be the aggressor, if you have to pursue, if you have to do the asking out, nine times out of ten, he’s just not that into you. (And we want you to believe you’re one of the nine, ladies!) I can’t say it loud enough: You, the superfox reading this book, are worth asking out.

This is What It Should Look Like, by Greg My friend Amy is deathly afraid of clowns, so her husband Russell makes sure she never sees one or is near one. Now this might not seem like a difficult task or one that requires great personal sacrifice, until you’ve actually tried to avoid all the clowns in the world. Oh, it’s not as easy as you’d think. You’d be amazed at how many clowns are out there. But Russell does it because after ten years of marriage, he still wants to protect his wife from things that frighten her. It’s So Simple Sadly, I can’t be with you ladies all the time, fending off all the bad excuses, and, thereby, bad men that come your way. But what I can do is paint you a picture of what you’ll never see when you’re with a guy who’s really into you: You’ll never see you staring maniacally at your phone, willing it to ring. You’ll never see you ruining an evening with friends because you’re calling for your messages every fifteen seconds. You’ll never see you hating yourself for calling him when you know you shouldn’t have. What you will see is you being treated so well that no phone antics will be necessary. You’ll be too busy being adored. This is What It Should Look Like, by Liz My friend met a guy who had just broken up with his girlfriend two weeks before, after living with her for three years. She thought that she was just going to be his “rebound” romance. He thought she may be that as well. But even though he could have used the excuse that he wasn’t ready yet, because he had “just gotten out of something,” he didn’t. Because he was really into her, he never let her feel that he wasn’t available to her. They are now in a serious relationship. Now What Do You Do? Okay. We just laid waste to your personal lives. We admit it. If all the women in this book listened to these answers, there would right now be a fresh crop of newly single women out there. Therefore, it seems like it’s our duty to discuss what one must do after the breakup. We’re not psychiatrists or very girly (particularly Liz), so we’re not going to talk about candles and bubble baths and sending yourself flowers. But I think we could ask you to at least try to notice, even just a tiny bit, how good it feels to be out of a relationship with someone who actually wasn’t that into you. Can you at least feel that sense of relief? When you think about it, making all those excuses for someone and trying to “figure someone out” takes up a lot of energy. Think of all the time you’ve opened up for so many other more positive things besides obsessing over him. Yes, breakups are painful, even from someone you may have only dated a few times. You may have been really excited about him and had a lot of hopes for the future. But how empowering to have the mental clarity to say, “He just wasn’t that into me.” Can you imagine that girl in the future? Nothing will be able to stop her! Now, there’s a million things you can do after a breakup; what you do during that time—yoga, affirmation tapes, murder—is your business. But basically you’re going to have to feel the pain, you’re going to have to go through it, and then you’re going to have to get over it. All we can try to do in this book is help you do it differently in the future. The first thing we’re going to recommend is setting some standards.

Our Super-Good Really Helpful Workbook Oh my God. It’s so weird. We found this on the floor when we were writing this book. It’s from your future boyfriend. Isn’t that a weird coincidence? Hey, Hot Stuff, Can’t wait till you get over that guy you were with. He sounds like a real jerk. Hope it’s soon. You’re way too tasty to be alone for too long. Come find me. I’m out here waiting. Your FutureThis is What It Should Look Like, by Liz A friend of mine told a story about a date with a guy she was really excited about: He stood her up. He then called her, begging her forgiveness and giving some excuse. She told him to get lost, telling him that he only gets one shot with her, and he blew it. Imagine what this woman would have done with a boyfriend who cheated on her? P.S.: One could say she cleared the path for the next guy, who didn’t blow it and is now married to her and treats her like a queen. Our Super-Good Really Helpful Workbook Please write down how long it took you to start thinking that you might want to marry the guy you’re dating. Write down how long it took you to know for sure. Look and see if these seemed like a reasonably appropriate amount of time. Then tell yourself that he has no good excuse for not having figured that out by now too. If he’s not calling you, it’s because you are not on his mind. If he creates expectations for you, and then doesn’t follow through on little things, he will do the same for big things. Be aware of this and realize that he’s okay with disappointing you. Don’t be with someone who doesn’t do what they say they’re going to do. If he’s choosing not to make a simple effort that would put you at ease and bring harmony to a recurring fight, then he doesn’t respect your feelings and needs. - 12 - IF YOU DON’T BELIEVE GREG A friend of mine was on a first date with a woman who mentioned she was also dating a married man. He immediately told her there wouldn’t be a second date, because if she didn’t like herself enough to be in a proper relationship, why should he?