Okay so the dude who texts you vigorously every Friday night, if he only texts you every Friday night, yeah, he’s definitely not into you. Take to your heels lest you become the booty call. 7. “He’s just not that into you if he doesn’t want to marry you.” I don’t. I just don’t see the point in being in a relationship that appears to be damaging and beneath you. You are a really cool, obviously very cute…” “You don’t know me!” she practically shouted, cutting me off mid-sentence. “How do you know I can do better? You’ve only just met me. And why do you care anyway?” Wow! She had me dead to rights. I was stunned for a moment but then I remembered why I’m doing this, and I said to her what I would say to you now. “I don’t need to know you to know that at the very least you ought to think that way about yourself.” And why do I care? Or better yet, who am I to be giving advice to others? I am a formerly single guy who gave those same lame excuses, so I know what these guys are really doing. When I met my wife, Amiira, I became a different guy, a man who showed up, suited up, and was glad to do so, because I believe in love the verb, not the noun. I believe in letting the woman I love know I love her all the time with my actions. Why do I care about you? Because I have a sister and many women friends whom I love dearly, despite their unwillingness to hear the clanging bells of a crappy relationship. Because I have a wonderful sister and so many amazing women friends who still don’t have the confidence to believe that they deserve better and will only find someone better after they unload the dead weight of an inadequate suitor. Because I have an incredible sister and so many brilliant women friends who don’t yet truly accept that profound love is uplifting, joyous, inspiring, and intoxicating, and that they should never settle for anything less. Shitty relationships make you feel shitty, and that’s not what you were put on this earth for. It’s all fun and games to have some insight and a witty reply to your letters, but at the core the “He’s just not that into you” concept can truly have a magical transcendent effect. It’s not bad news if it helps you free yourself from a relationship that is beneath you. And we both know that only you can free yourself. I don’t pretend to know how to fix you. I do know how to help you recognize the problem. I do know that you are worthy of having great relationships and an even better life. I do think you are beautiful and somewhere deep down inside you know it too, otherwise you wouldn’t be here. I believe life is a speedy and awesome gift, so don’t waste the pretty. If you are reading this, you want something better. If you are reading this, I want something better for you too. —Greg

Our Super-Good Really Helpful Workbook Hey, what’s a self-help tome without a workbook? Our chapters will all be so brave and wise that we want to make sure you retain as much of the brilliance as you can. So for all of you who feel the need to get out of your problems and into your crayon box, have at it. Love, Greg and Liz Remember in grade school how they told you not to write in your textbooks? Screw that! Grab a pen and list five reasons why you think you have every right or good reason to call him. 1. 2. 3. 4. 5. Put the book aside and wait an hour. Or at least ten minutes. Then ask yourself: Do I seem pathetic? Do I sound like someone who doesn’t trust my own innate hotness? Yes, you do! Now put your dialing finger away, get out of the house, and go find some fun. P.S.: You just did a workbook exercise about a guy who hasn’t even extended to you the energy of a phone call. Why would you want to chase that down? PDF / EPUB File Name: Hes_Just_Not_That_Into_You_-_Greg_Behrendt.pdf, Hes_Just_Not_That_Into_You_-_Greg_Behrendt.epubThe “Things Are Really Tight Right Now” Excuse Dear Greg, I have a boyfriend who I’ve been living with for three years. I’m about to turn thirty-nine, and I have started bringing up the idea of long-term plans, like, say, marriage. He always seems open to it, but then talks about how bad his finances are. He’s an investment banker who works for himself, and he lost a lot of money in the past two years, a lot of clients, as well, and his business really has gone down the tubes. He says he’s under a lot of pressure. Am I being unreasonable to want to know where this is all going? Please let me know. Barbara

This is What It Should Look Like, by Greg Don’t ask me how I know, because I don’t want to tell you, but I can assure you that my parents, who are in their seventies, after children, illnesses, aging, stressful jobs, and daily annoyances (read: life), are still having sex. If my parents can do it, so can you and your boyfriend. IF YOU DON’T BELIEVE GREG 100% of men polled said they have never vomited in the bed of a woman they were really into. (Apparently these guys don’t know how to have a good time.) Guys tell you how they feel even if you refuse to listen or believe them. “I don’t want to be in a serious relationship” truly means “I don’t want to be in a serious relationship with you” or “I’m not sure that you’re the one.” (Sorry.) Better than nothing is not good enough for you! If you don’t know where the relationship is going, it’s okay to pull over and ask. Murky? Not good. There’s a guy out there who will want to tell everyone that he’s your boyfriend. Quit goofing around and go find him.

This is What It Should Look Like, by Liz I have a lady friend whose boyfriend had just moved cross country to live with her, and we were all out having drinks. We got on the subject of marriage, and he went on a huge diatribe of how he didn’t believe in marriage. He grew up in an environment where there was crazy pressure to get married, and all he saw were unhappy, unhealthy marriages. My friend was surprised by this strong reaction, and fairly upset about it. She wasn’t an intensely marriage-minded gal, but she always thought it was going to be an option. She gave it a good deal of thought and realized that what she really wanted was just to be with this man, who had just moved his entire life to be with her. So she got used to the idea that she would never be married. A year later he proposed, because he realized he was in love with her and knew it was something that was important to her. Our Super-Good Really Helpful Workbook List all the things you want or have ever wanted in a man. We’ll give you five lines. We’ll wait…. 1. 2. 3. 4. 5. Now look at your list. Did “married” or “emotionally unavailable” make that list? Yeah, we didn’t think so. You’re far too classy and smart for that. Duh. (Save your dignity and just never talk about him again. Ever.) 10. “He’s just not that into you if he’s married (and other insane variations of being unavailable).” Dear Pretty Girl who bought this book (that’s you), I have been dating this guy for a couple of months. However, I’ve never actually been on an official date with him. He always tells me to meet him somewhere, like a bar or a friend’s house. He doesn’t seem like he wants to spend time alone with me unless we’re having sex. I like having sex with him—so can’t I keep doing that until he gets to know me better and realizes he’s really into me? Answer: If you’ve answered this successfully (which means you’ve told this lovely lady to get rid of Booty Call the Barfly and go find herself a man that can at least spring for a slice of pizza), then you know your brain knows how to solve these problems; you have this information inside of you, and probably always have. It’s just a lot easier to see it when it’s not you. And now that you’ve been reminded, you can use your rediscovered wisdom for your own benefit.

If he’s not calling you, it’s because you are not on his mind. If he creates expectations for you, and then doesn’t follow through on little things, he will do the same for big things. Be aware of this and realize that he’s okay with disappointing you. Don’t be with someone who doesn’t do what they say they’re going to do. If he’s choosing not to make a simple effort that would put you at ease and bring harmony to a recurring fight, then he doesn’t respect your feelings and needs. - 12 - FROM THE DESK OF GREG Dear Twenty Pounds, I definitely think you should lose 175 pounds—in the form of your loser boyfriend—not the twenty that you’re talking about. He just cheated on you and called you fat. How many low self-esteem protein shakes can one person drink? Using your weight as an excuse for his cheating is not only mean, but simply not valid. If he has a problem with anything in your relationship, he’s supposed to talk to you about it, not put-his-penis-in-a-strange-vagina about it. And by the way, how’s he going to react if you ever get pregnant or grow older and get a few wrinkles? Or wear a color he doesn’t like? Get rid of this loser or I’m going to come to your house and get rid of him for you.This is What It Should Look Like, by Greg My friend Amy is deathly afraid of clowns, so her husband Russell makes sure she never sees one or is near one. Now this might not seem like a difficult task or one that requires great personal sacrifice, until you’ve actually tried to avoid all the clowns in the world. Oh, it’s not as easy as you’d think. You’d be amazed at how many clowns are out there. But Russell does it because after ten years of marriage, he still wants to protect his wife from things that frighten her. This one is tough. Tough because some people really do not ever want to get married to anybody. And some people just aren’t sure they want to get married to the person they are with. We all know someone who dated a person for FOREVER and then they broke-up, met a different person, and then got married in eight months. The book (and movie) insists love cures commitment-phobia. And I’m sure while that’s true some of the time, committing to someone also probably has to do with sharing similar values. Maybe someone is really into you bust just doesn’t believe in the institution of marriage. Then it becomes a question of if you’re okay with that. But one thing I don’t encourage is believing that you can change someone because you’re dating them. Sometimes you can, but most times you can’t. For me, this would be my cue to bid the dude bon voyage. 8. “He’s just not that into you if he’s breaking up with you.” The “But at Least He Knew Her” Excuse Dear Greg, I’ve been going out with a guy for about a year. We are in love and get along great. Recently he met with his ex-wife who he hasn’t seen in about a year. (She had left him because she met someone else.) They have been divorced about two years. They slept together. I am very upset and want to break up with him. He wants me to forgive him because it wasn’t like it was someone new; it was his ex-wife. He promises me that it will never happen again—just old feelings came up and he couldn’t control himself. I want to forgive him—it was only once—but it feels like everything is ruined. Can he really be in love with me and do this to me? Joyce FROM THE DESK OF GREG Dear Ruined, Who decided to put the “ex” in “sex”? You’re telling me that the “get out of her vagina free” card is that he used to be married to her? Does that mean he can also sleep with the woman who cleans his teeth? How about the lady who develops his photos? Hope he’s not going to his high school reunion. Again, it doesn’t really matter if he’s still in love with you. He’s given you a pretty big clue about how he feels about your relationship. The bigger question is, can you still be in love with him? You can’t blame a guy for having feelings. You love someone, you break up, you still have feelings. Thank God for that really. But having feelings doesn’t mean you have to have sex. That required him to take his feelings and use them to be somewhere alone with his beloved, undress her, kiss her, and do all the other things involved with having sexual intercourse with someone. Hooray for feelings. Just keep them in your pants. Sometimes I really despise being part of a time and in a culture that is losing the ability to date – and face it, we are. But it’s really hard to tell if someone is into you if the entire cultural approach to dating has turned on its head. So maybe the guy who texts you vehemently on Friday night who is clearly under liquid courage is doing so because he doesn’t know any better (but he is really into you). Or maybe he’s doing so because it’s a booty call. One thing is for sure, in this day and age, any person who says they want to go on an actual, real-life date with you, is definitely into you. 4. “He’s just not that into you if he’s not having sex with you.” Here’s Why This One is Hard, by Liz Because it’s you—not someone you read about or heard about or saw on TV. It’s you and it’s hard. And you deserve happiness just like his wife or his girlfriend does. And sometimes people get married before they’ve actually met the person they’re meant to be with. Or marriages just die and there’s nothing left to them. And if they’re not married, but somehow deeply distracted by someone else, well, most men are usually coming out of some situation while they get into the next one…so why not hang on for dear life until he shakes off his ex? The operative word in both cases here is “wait.” You have to do the waiting—the biding your time, biting your tongue, keeping your needs quiet. He’s so special, that guy. He deserves to have you sit around, putting your life on hold, not getting what you want, while he takes his time sorting it all out. He’s that special. You, of course, aren’t at all. Now, I happen to be really good at biding my time and asking for little and being happy with the even less that I get. I haven’t personally dated a married man, but I am an expert in dating emotionally unavailable ones. I have to be honest—it feels really noble and romantic and dramatic to be filled with longing and heartache, knowing the man you love, for whatever reason, can’t be yours right now. And you’re willing to wait for him, because your feelings for him are so very large and profound. (Of course, I am now suspicious that my feelings for them all felt so large and profound precisely because they couldn’t be mine, but I wouldn’t be able to prove that in court.) If you’re really comfortable with that, too, and nothing that this book or your friends or your therapist can say will help you change that, then eventually, I hope, like me, you’ll eventually just get tired of it. Sometimes all the psychological help in the world can’t do anything. Sometimes boredom just has to set in. You get bored with always having less than everybody else seems to have, less than what you want. You start thinking that maybe you actually deserve better, not because you learned to love yourself or lost all that weight or saw that great episode on Dr. Phil, but just because you got bored. Bored with the same type of misery over and over and over again. That’s what happened to me, I think. I hope it will be a lot faster for you.