Only he’s not so adorable anymore. Don’t worry, he’s still got his cute little face, just on a much much bigger appendage. He must have been flaccid before because now he’s four feet of pure magnificent shaft.” This is no bird-of-paradise-flower-situation, these spicy red numbers are unmistakably penile from head to shaft. Except for the little green bit on the stem, obvs. If you actually have one of those on your knob, please see a doctor, you may be at risk of being diagnosed as a plant. One of the best things about these slippers is that they would fit most sizes—UK 7 to 12. That’s US sizes 9 to 14 for women and 7.5 to 12.5 for men. That said, these slippers are actually quite big. Size really does matter, after all. Firebox has a total of six penis-related gifts in its Top 100 products this year, averaging one bought every 1 hour and 45 minutes. Following on from this trend for all things phallic, we’re hoping to satisfy the customer’s appetite for Pierre once and for all with this brand new giant version!” Pierre has held up nicely through regular wear and some play: no discoloration, tears, or loss in elasticity. More than I can say for some of my jeans! My only wishes are, one, for a retractable foreskin in later edition and, two, for a larger version, perhaps with a bit more girth and a length nearer to six inches. NYTC, please give us size queens what we want. 🙂

When you’re ready to repot your plants into something more fitting (coming soon: the Firebox terracotta vagina), the magical eco-friendly cube will slowly decompose and turn into valuable coconut fibre fertiliser for the plant, enriched with all sorts of stuff that makes chillies fully erect big and handsome. A bit of information about me for reference: I am a 5’2″ pre-t transguy, weighing around 140-160lbs, and have really light pale skin. I have two Pierres to talk about, the first an extra small in cashew, the second a regular in caramel.

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