The Art of Receiving and Giving: The Wheel of Consent

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Sexological Bodywork Training and Somatic Sex Educator Training in the UK: sexologicalbodywork.co.uk/

Sexological Bodywork Training and Somatic Sex Educator Training in Australia, Thailand and the US: instituteofsomaticsexology.com/ Dr. Betty Martin’s Wheel of Consent is a model of relating which brings greater clarity and authenticity to our relationships in all areas of life: with work colleagues, with friends and family, and in our most intimate relationships.

Wheel Of Consent - the book

After you have practiced Take/Allow and switched roles, you could then move on to the Give/Receive dynamic. Now, the Receiver asks the Giver ‘Will you touch my hand in the way I want, for a few minutes?’ If the Giver is willing, they say ‘Yes, how would you like to be touched?’ This is an opportunity for the Receiver to ask for exactly the kind of touch they want, which may not be easy for them, but can feel amazing when it happens. A challenge for the Receiver is that they need to feel they are really worthy of receiving the touch they want. The Giver’s role is to not overstep their own boundaries. They should also only give what has been asked for, and not add anything on. It can be hugely rewarding to Give another person exactly the touch they want to Receive. Either person can ask to pause or stop at any point. Then after a few minutes, the Receiver says ‘Thank you’ and the Giver says ‘You’re welcome’ - and you can switch roles. Another question people often ask about the Wheel of Consent® is ‘’How can I tell whether I am feeling a ‘want to’, a ‘willing to’, or a ‘not willing to’?” Lets you start where you are – regardless of how much you know about the Wheel, there are always new levels of awareness to be found The truth is that many of us struggle to fully communicate our desires, or clearly state our boundaries, or take full ownership of our own capacity for pleasure and intimacy. Consent of all kinds is about so much more than simply saying 'yes' or 'no'.

We will be in a large room with windows. There is enough space to keep distance from others if you wish. Interacting with each other and touching others is voluntary and negotiated in advance. To help clarify the four dynamics, or ‘quadrants’ created by these two questions, we can draw a simple diagram of the Wheel of Consent. The vertical axis (usingorange text) shows who is doing – either you are doing, or the other person is doing. The horizontal axis (usinggreen text) shows who it is for – either it is for the other person, or it is for you. The dynamics shown above so far are those which have the full, informed consent of both people - i.e. with awareness of both who is doing, and who it is for. But the Wheel of Consent can also describe what happens in these same dynamics without consent:

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As you become more familiar with these non-consensual ‘shadows’ of the Wheel, you might start to notice which ones you sometimes find yourself in. This self-awareness can be helpful, because once you’ve noticed it, the way to get out of the shadows is to establish clear agreements based on asking, “Who is Doing?” and “Who is it For?”, and have we both consented to that? It’s also helpful to remember that the shadows are adaptive survival mechanisms which all of us have used to try and get our needs met. The Wheel of Consent offers tools for meeting these needs in a more skillful and consensual ways. This is the body of work I have have been developing over the last dozen years, which I call the Wheel of Consent. The videos are fine, the ideas are fine – but it’s the experience of it that will change you. Perhaps I sense John is upset and in need of some physical reassurance, but I know he has difficulty asking for that himself, so I initiate the offer (the touch is for John).

This is a good question! With all the emotions often associated with sex, such as excitement or anxiety to please the other, it can sometimes be difficult for people to distinguish between what they want to do, what they are willing to do, and what they are not willing to do. This is particularly true if they have got into the habit of ‘going along with’ certain kinds of touch – either because they think it’s what their partner wants, or because their social conditioning (e.g. related to power imbalance, or their gender) has trained them to do that. A question people often ask about the Wheel of Consent® is “But if we are having sex, shouldn’t it be for both of us? Why would it only be for one of us?” And they are right – it is important that if two people are sharing physical intimacy, it should be ‘for’ both of them, i.e. it is something they both really want to do. On the face of it, consent should be simple. Yes means yes, and no means no. We clearly communicate exactly what we feel, and it is immediately understood and acted on accordingly by others. However, real life is often more complicated. In all areas of life; with our friends, family, work colleagues and in our most intimate relationships - our consent skills may be impaired, for any number of reasons:

Join Helena De Felice and Amy Weissfeld at a luxurious and restful retreat to dive deep into this foundational practice for relating. Many folks have asked for a printable diagram, so here it is – but it’s still the experience that matters – when your hands get it, you get it.) In brief, the four quadrants are separated into two pairs. Giving-Receiving and Taking-Allowing. In the giving-receiving dynamic, the person who is the receiver asks for the kind of touch they would like to receive from the giver, for their own pleasure. In turn, the giver takes some time to feel into the request and, if they genuinely want to give this gift and it would feel good to them too, would give the kind of touch to the receiver that was asked for. For example, the receiver may ask: “Would you stroke my hand for three minutes for my own pleasure?” and the giver may reply: “Yes, I’d love to”. Perhaps I’m attracted to John, and would enjoy touching his leg for that reason (the touch is for me). It’s a party that I think we’ll both enjoy, and it’ll be even more fun for both of us if we go together (it’s for both of us).

Now I use the principles, practice and ethos of the Wheel of Consent in all of my work; in one-to-one sessions with client and couples, for online courses and I run my own in-person and group events. Most people have a ‘quadrant’ of the wheel of consent that feels most like home. Frequently, people also have a preference for one of the dynamics: either serve/accept or take/allow. Spend some time working out what your most comfortable quadrant and dynamic is, and explore erotic ideas in that area. You get to stay in your comfort zone, and also explore different kinds of things within that dynamic. Find a pleasurable activity in your least comfortable dynamic This is a good question! With all the emotions often associated with sex, such as excitement or anxiety to please the other, it can sometimes be difficult for people to distinguish between what they want to do, what they are willing to do, and what they are not willing to do. This is particularly true if they have got into the habit of ‘going along with’ certain kinds of touch - either because they think it’s what their partner wants, or because their social conditioning (e.g. related to power imbalance, or their gender) has trained them to do that.

Upcoming Wheel of Consent Classes

We will engage in a radical inquiry into and practice of the nature of receiving and giving, the nature of consent, knowing what you want, and how to communicate it. I really want to go to the party, but I know my ex-partner will be there which I feel anxious about, and I’m hoping Sally is willing to come along with me for moral support (it’s for me). The book is written in easy-to-read, and engaging language, with plenty of examples and practices to try for yourself. The Wheel uniquely distinguishes between the ‘doing’ aspect of an interaction: who is doing? - and the ‘gift’ aspect: who is it for? Asking these two questions together creates four possible dynamics, each of which has a different flavour, and requires a different type of consent agreement to be made. This is the central insight of the Wheel of Consent, from which many consequences and insights flow. A weekend spent with Corinne Diachuk, Katie Spataro and the Wheel of Consent is essential for people who want to dedicate themselves to somatic sex education or sexological bodywork. They are, first of all, perfectly matched to engage with people who have diverse learning styles, making sure that everyone in the group feels welcome, has fun and learns a lot. But they also approach the four quadrants of the wheel in a way that evolves beautifully and naturally for all the participants so that by the end of the workshop you’re well versed in the meaning of touch and able to hone in on the most valuable learning of the experience: “who is this touch for?” In my own somatic sex education practice, I begin every client session with exercises, games and experiences based on the Wheel, Corinne’s and Katie’s core work. That work has proved to be deeply meaningful for me, my clients and even my lovers as I have applied these learnings to the practice of human touch in my life.”– Mindful Pleasure Practice Nicolas Reveles