As Adelstein starts to see underneath Japanese culture and into the underworld, though, the book progressively darkens.

We’re on the same page about what we want out of this: friends we casually screw sometimes, either individually or together.

This is only a gray area because you say so—a good way to determine whether what you’re doing is cheating is whether the extracurricular behavior has been explicitly OKed by your partner. But neither of us thought that it was likely that we would find our “forever person” in college, so when we graduated, we broke up and went to do our adulting things separately. It was eight years between the time we broke up and got married, during which time I dated about a dozen guys. That experience left me feeling very vulnerable, though, so when P had sex with someone, I was then triggered.

It can be especially windy during anal, when the penis may be pushing in air that then escapes involuntarily. I just finished reading Tokyo Vice: An American Reporter on the Police Beat in Japan, and it's a great, great read. I’ve asked, tried to schedule, and communicated that this is a need of mine that I feel is going unmet. Set yourself up for success by being as clear as possible, and try not to let emotions foment drama. It sounds like you’ve given every reason for P to trust you, and you them—now you just have to do it.

Perhaps given your out-of-town status on these dates, these guys would be dumb for expecting any more, but are you considering their feelings at all as you tend to yours?

I would travel around 10 to 15 times a year, and those trips would normally be no less than three days and usually the entire week. You could attempt an in-between arrangement, in which you only play together or set up stricter boundaries (meeting for play only, for example, not dates, which by their nature are on the romantic side of things). If it hasn’t, it makes sense to assume it’s cheating, since most people raised in Western culture expect monogamy by default. You can experiment with strategic placement of a cushion with charcoal in it to absorb the smell—this kind of padding worn in underwear proved effective in absorbing fart smells in one admittedly limited study. The fact of the matter is that any day, at any point, regardless of whether you and P are open or not, one of you could meet someone else who sweeps you away and out of your current relationship.Robert Cloninger developed a personality evaluation that in part tests for novelty-seeking (or neophilia), the Temperament and Character Inventory. I would usually go to the same four to six destinations in some combination during the year, including conferences. This would be after a fun evening of getting to know a new guy and hanging out somewhere around town.

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