Living with limerence: A guide for the smitten

Product Information

I think I would also score 17 if I had fallen in love in the early stages of a relationship, but I think that is just how a limerent like myself experiences early love – just like an LE but with a happy ending. What’s this got to do with hurting others? I hear no one ask. Well, this certain girl, whether for a joke or seriousness, had been saying she ‘loves’ me since Year 7. It’s probably a joke but she could be limerent for me. It might be okay if she hadn’t supported the thesis that she thinks I like her; she keeps saying she does. Paglia believes heterosexual men “marry in the shadow of their mothers”. She believes straight men look to straight women for “nursing” e.g. someone to make my lunch, comfort me, manage my schedule, etc. Straight men do want women who play that mothering role to some extent. Paglia believes, on the other hand, that heterosexual women are attracted to guys who might not seem that evolved/sensitive. She believes “swagger is sexy”. The boys who can swagger are the boys who catch the eyes of the girls. 😛 There can also be a sense of neglecting your own needs in the form of people pleasing to increase the chances of being with your limerent object. Or, reducing the odds of being rejected by them. But this is giving up on yourself and your needs is not a feature of a healthy mutual loving and respectful relationship, as the dynamic is skewed towards appeasement in place of genuine connection.

I know him more or less since he was a child, the first time we saw that this whole story started, I was 12 and he was 15, now I’m 21. My “glimmers” are more like “baseball bat to the heart” moments. Two years ago at a gathering with some friends, I heard a voice behind me, and had the immediate thought, “This is who I was brought to [this city] to meet.” I hadn’t even met this person, hadn’t even seen his face!! I’d also just moved here with an SO who I was (and still am!) head over heels in love with (we *also* fell for each other within seconds, but that’s another story 🙂 ). And yet I fell for this other guy instantly. It only got worse as I actually got to know him and discovered we had a lot of shared values and pursuits that I was missing in my life. And of course he had to be drop dead gorgeous in the exact way that addles my little brain every time. Sigh. If neuroscience explains the “how” of limerence, our personal history determines the “who”. We all have the in-built neural systems that can be driven, with escalating romantic momentum, into a state of limerence, but there must be something special about certain people that starts the whole process going.and 20 I have always tried to maintain my routine and responsibilities even while my entire being is subsumed in a surreal limerent netherworld of cosmic significance. I think I would probably still get up and try go to work on the morning of an Extinction Level Event. This is the best possible moment to stop limerence before it starts, and I am getting good at this now. Avoid LO, categorise them as a threat rather than desirable company, and establish a position of civil neutrality.

When it comes to limerence, meeting someone who matches our “romantic template” tends to cause intense excitement and arousal. They seem to broadcast a sense of emotional potency. This limerent glimmer is a sign that our brains have made a connection between the cues being given off by the other person and our personal imprint of what a desirable person is like. I think the key thing here is sensitivity to SO. I would say that being completely honest doesn’t need to involve detailed explanation of how intense or obsessive or persistent the thoughts about LO are. The key thing is to be honest that you are struggling with romantic feelings for someone else and want them to stop. I agree that my LOs have been extraordinary individuals, but many others often swooned over them too. I also sometimes find myself thinking J is way too good for me, and could find someone more attractive than myself. Other times I find myself thinking I deserve him and I am more than attractive enough for him. I’m really stumped as to if I have a limerence situation, or if there’s something else, or if this is a completely normal situation.Just as love can strike at any time when we least suspect it, you can find yourself in a state of limerence with the most unlikely of people. Exactly as it is with love. The attraction might not make any logical sense, but the felt experience of this attraction will be just as real as what you perceive as love. This patterning can then lead to interactions where you project these insecurities and unmet needs onto your potential love interests. You unconsciously perceive these people as being able to fulfill the need(s) that were never met in your developmental years. This unconscious response leads to the experience of limerence, as you idealise the objects of your desires – often referred to as limerent objects – as “The One.” You see them as being able to solve all of your problems. For me, the defining feature of limerence is that the attraction/desire for a romantic relationship with LO has become involuntary. I think limerence can be a confusing concept for many people because the early stages of limerence (i.e. before it becomes compulsory) and romantic love may be the same e.g. feeling shy and nervous, sexual excitement/lust, wanting to look nice, pleasant daydreams, a bit of flirting, a bit of impulsive behaviour, showing off, etc. The involuntary nature of the desire – that, for me, is the crucial distinction.