Cock Piss Partridge - Alan Partridge Mens T Shirt

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Alan: You know what this room says to me? Aqua. Which is French for water. It’s like being inside an enormous Fox’s Glacier Mint, which again to me is a bonus.

Alan: Well there you go, they taught you a trade. Minor repairs. [Lift door begins to close on Alan] Lynn: Things have to be compartmentalised, Alan. For example, in this drawer. [Lynn opens a drawer and notices some pornographic material]. You erm. You have things. And erm, sometimes you have too many things. Lynn: You know, one can find some strength, when you are at your bleakest moments if you open yourself up to…Alan: Abandon that, Lynn, it’s not working. Ok, doomsday scenario. You, Tony Hayers, have decide not to give me another television series. Why? Be tough. Pray silence please, for the Electric Light Orchestra. It’s the end of Alan’s show, and Dave Clifton takes over with the breakfast show: commenting on random clips of football/soccer matches in a build up to the upcoming 1994 FIFA World Cup): Shit! Did you see that!? He must have a foot like a traction engine. Striker! And that, was a gooooooal! The proof is in the pudding and in this case the pudding, is a football... Alan: Yes. In fact, the best thing that I ever did was getting thrown out by my wife! She’s living with a fitness instructor. He drinks that yellow stuff in tins. He’s an idiot!

I can read you like a book, and not a very good book. Especially no Bravo Two Zero by Andy McNabb, which actually improves with every read. Alan: It’s got walnuts in. Let’s go! Alan sits in his car with Lynn, outside the house he viewed previously. Pondering on the day’s events: Alan: Let me rephrase that. Can I… No, actually I’ll just repeat the question. Have I got a second series? Oh, my God! One can find some strength when you're at your bleakest moments, - If you open yourself up to new choices - Lynn, I'm not coming to your Baptist church! They always get people when they're down. Alan: Can I just say, this is music to my ears. [Wait starts to pour the Blue Nun] Whoa!, what are you doing? What are you doing?

I'm having a barbecue, fancy coming over? - I'd love to! - Do you mind if I bring my guitar? - I'd rather you didn't, it's not that kind of area. has got some rude graffiti on - Graffiti? What, in the hotel? - No, there's never any graffiti in the hotel.

Who-oo Who-oo Who do you think you are? Unfortunately for you, I am the Chief Commissioning Editor of BBC Television. But not too informal; it's not Nigel Pinsent's "In Depth", but neither is it Wally Banter's Junk-Box It flushed on the first yank! I love this house! - Alan? - One yank, gone! That was Tony Hayers's office on the phone.In fact, the best thing I ever did was getting thrown out by my wife! She's living with a fitness instructor. Alan: Right. Now, you’ll like this. “Knowing M.E., Knowing You”. I, Alan Partridge talk to M.E. sufferers about their condition. Erm, you know, we intersperse it with their favourite pop songs make it light-hearted. You know, give them a platform. You got to keep the energy up. You don’t like it, that’s alright. Tony: There is to be no second series. And I’ve listened to your ideas, I’ve listened to them all, and I haven’t liked a single one of them. Alan: I’ll be honest, I’m pretty curious. I’d basically like to understand man’s inhumanity to man. Then make a programme about it. Alan: All this wine nonsense! You get all these wine people don’t you? You know, wine this, wine that!. Let’s have a bit of red; let’s have a bit of white! Oooh that’s a snazzy bouquet! Oooh this smells of, I don’t know, basil! Sometimes you just want to say ‘sod all this wine just give me a pint of mineral water’.

Could someone clear that shit away, please? It's just, it's in my picture. People may associate it with me. Alan: Thank you. That’s all I wanted to know. During the lunch with Tony Hayers, Alan meets Peter Linehan, who is revamping news and current affairs output at the BBC: Alan: We take fat people from the inner cities, put them in big nappies and then get them to throw each other out of a circle that we draw with chalk on the ground. Jet from Gladiators to host a millennium barn dance at Yeovil aerodrome. Properly policed, it must not, REPEAT NOT turn into an all-night rave. Alan drifts off and fantasizes about dancing for Tony Hayers: I look at the changing shape of ladies through the ages, from fat, chubby ladies of the Renaissance, to hard-faced Cromwellian sourpusses, right up to twentieth-century well-toned women like Sharon Davies and Jet from "Gladiators".

Alan: And. Can I have… the same. No, but with different shape pasta. What do you call those pasta in bows? Like a bow tie, but miniature. Sort of like an Action Man bow tie.