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It’s So Simple From this moment on, right now, as you read this, make this solemn vow about your future romantic relationships: no more murky, no more gray, no more unidentified, and no more undeclared. And if at all possible, try to know someone as best you can before you get naked with them. There will never be a good time, financially, to get married, unless you're Shaq or Ray Romano. But somehow people manage. If your man is using money as an excuse not to marry you, it's your relationship that's insecure, not his bank account.” He’s Just Not That Into You is a guide to realizing the behaviors of men that tell you when he’s not into you. The Big Takeaways: I don’t. I just don’t see the point in being in a relationship that appears to be damaging and beneath you. You are a really cool, obviously very cute…” “You don’t know me!” she practically shouted, cutting me off mid-sentence. “How do you know I can do better? You’ve only just met me. And why do you care anyway?” Wow! She had me dead to rights. I was stunned for a moment but then I remembered why I’m doing this, and I said to her what I would say to you now. “I don’t need to know you to know that at the very least you ought to think that way about yourself.” And why do I care? Or better yet, who am I to be giving advice to others? I am a formerly single guy who gave those same lame excuses, so I know what these guys are really doing. When I met my wife, Amiira, I became a different guy, a man who showed up, suited up, and was glad to do so, because I believe in love the verb, not the noun. I believe in letting the woman I love know I love her all the time with my actions. Why do I care about you? Because I have a sister and many women friends whom I love dearly, despite their unwillingness to hear the clanging bells of a crappy relationship. Because I have a wonderful sister and so many amazing women friends who still don’t have the confidence to believe that they deserve better and will only find someone better after they unload the dead weight of an inadequate suitor. Because I have an incredible sister and so many brilliant women friends who don’t yet truly accept that profound love is uplifting, joyous, inspiring, and intoxicating, and that they should never settle for anything less. Shitty relationships make you feel shitty, and that’s not what you were put on this earth for. It’s all fun and games to have some insight and a witty reply to your letters, but at the core the “He’s just not that into you” concept can truly have a magical transcendent effect. It’s not bad news if it helps you free yourself from a relationship that is beneath you. And we both know that only you can free yourself. I don’t pretend to know how to fix you. I do know how to help you recognize the problem. I do know that you are worthy of having great relationships and an even bett
Don’t Listen to These Stories Sure. There are the stories. Guys that get pursued by some girl first and she ends up being the love of his life; the guy that treats this girl that he sometimes sleeps with like shit for a couple of years, but she keeps at him and now he’s a devoted husband and father; the guy who doesn’t call a girl that he’s slept with for a month, and then calls her and they live happily ever after; the woman who is sleeping with the married guy who she ends up marrying and having a blissful long-term marriage with. We don’t want you to listen to these stories. These stories don’t help you. These stories are the exceptions to the rule. We want you to think of yourself as the rule. Thinking of yourself as the exception is what got you into this mess in the first place. Tell your friends to stop telling you these stories. Whenever you hear one of these stories, a story where some woman was treated badly but it all worked out okay in the end, just put your hands up to your ears and go “la-lala-la-la!” You are exceptional, but not the exception!! If Don’t make excuses for why he isn’t calling you or texting you first. He knows how to. He just doesn’t. Before He’s Just Not That Into You was a corny movie with star-studded actors and actresses, it was a corny book that I am apparently unashamed to tell the world I own. No matter how much this book can be critiqued – and it can and has been, mercilessly – I still think some of it is just flat-out honest reality. And yes, maybe that reality is subjective, culturally and generationally specific, and all the rest. But I did read the book again recently, which is five years from when I initially bought it, and ten years from its original publishing date. So in honor of ten years of the book being if not culturally relevant, at least rhetorically influential, I thought I’d review the given advice: 1. “He’s just not that into you If he’s not asking you out.” Greg, I Get It! by Traci, Age 25 Greg, I get it! I had two dates with a guy. On the second date we slept together. He said he would call me the next day (Tuesday) and he didn’t call me until the weekend. When he called, I told him that it was too late. He was stunned, but really, I don’t have time for that shit. It was the first time I had ever done anything like that and it felt great!This is What It Should Look Like, by Liz When I was working with Greg on this book in New York, I noticed that Greg would often call his wife just to tell her that he couldn’t really talk to her right then, but he was thinking of her and would call later. It didn’t look like the most difficult thing in the world, but it sure seemed nice. The “Maybe It’s Just His Little Quirk” Excuse Dear Greg, I met a guy who’s really sensitive and sweet. The problem is, he doesn’t like to be physically affectionate. He tells me that he just doesn’t enjoy being touched. We have sex, and it’s nice, but he’s not that into caressing me, either. Everything else about him is great, so it seems like such a strange complaint. Do you think not wanting to cuddle and be touched is a sign that he’s just not that into me? Or could it mean he has intimacy issues? I don’t want to dump him over this, but I like physical affection! Frida - 39 - This is where I have to put my practicing Catholic hat on and say, “This is definitely not always true.” Especially if the person has religious, moral, and other reasons for which they don’t want to have sex with you (until a certain time). Moreover, people’s attitudes to sex differs greatly and like it or not, the way people view sex can be a deal-breaker. But in my observation of secular society, sometimes it’s the people who want to wait, that are actually really into you. So again, this piece of advice depends heavily on the values and perspectives of the individuals involved. 5. “He’s just not that into you If he’s having sex with someone else.” Our Super-Good Really Helpful Workbook List all the things you want or have ever wanted in a man. We’ll give you five lines. We’ll wait…. 1. 2. 3. 4. 5. Now look at your list. Did “married” or “emotionally unavailable” make that list? Yeah, we didn’t think so. You’re far too classy and smart for that. Now think of five of your own. (We know we took the easiest ones, but we still think there’s at least five more you can come up with.) 1. 2. 3. 4. 5. Read them, have a laugh, dump the cheater. Of course I can’t tell you what to do. But dump him.
The “But We Really Are Dating” Excuse Dear Greg, I’ve been dating a guy for three months. We spend four or five nights a week together. We go to events together. He calls me when he says he’s going to and never flakes out on me. We’re having a great time. He recently informed me that he doesn’t want to be anyone’s boyfriend and isn’t ready for a serious relationship. But I know he’s not dating anyone else. I think he’s just scared of the term “boyfriend.” Greg, I’m always hearing that women should listen to men’s actions, not their words. So doesn’t that mean I should just ignore him and be secure in the fact that he wants to spend all this time with me— that no matter what he’s actually saying, the truth is he’s really into me? KeishaGuys tell you how they feel even if you refuse to listen or believe them. “I don’t want to be in a serious relationship” truly means “I don’t want to be in a serious relationship with you” or “I’m not sure that you’re the one.” (Sorry.) Better than nothing is not good enough for you! If you don’t know where the relationship is going, it’s okay to pull over and ask. Murky? Not good. There’s a guy out there who will want to tell everyone that he’s your boyfriend. Quit goofing around and go find him. He might be lying in the hospital with amnesia, but more likely he’s just not that into you. No answer is your answer. Don’t give him the chance to reject you again. Let his mother yell at him. You’re too busy. There’s no mystery—he’s gone and he wasn’t good enough for you. Founded in 2010, Thought Catalog is owned and operated by The Thought & Expression Company, Inc. For over a decade, we've been at the bleeding edge of media, pioneering an infrastructure for creatives to flourish both artistically and financially. He’s Just Not That Into You - If He Only Wants to See You When He’s Drunk If He Likes You, He’ll Want to See You When His Judgment isn’t Impaired It’s really fun to drink and date. Who doesn’t like to bring booze to the make-out party? It can make you more confident, and let’s face it, confidence is a rush and you are more likely to talk dirty. It’s all good, as long as you don’t confuse ice-breaking for real intimacy. Being drunk or high are altered states that can actually take you away from real feelings. Be aware that if Boozy the Clown has to slip on the red nose every time it gets intimate, it could be symptomatic of a bigger problem.
IF YOU DON’T BELIEVE GREG 100% of guys polled said they have never accidentally slept with anyone. (But many of them wanted to know how this accident could occur, and how they can get involved in such an accident.) It’s So Simple Sadly, I can’t be with you ladies all the time, fending off all the bad excuses, and, thereby, bad men that come your way. But what I can do is paint you a picture of what you’ll never see when you’re with a guy who’s really into you: You’ll never see you staring maniacally at your phone, willing it to ring. You’ll never see you ruining an evening with friends because you’re calling for your messages every fifteen seconds. You’ll never see you hating yourself for calling him when you know you shouldn’t have. What you will see is you being treated so well that no phone antics will be necessary. You’ll be too busy being adored.The “He’s So Into Me That Now He’s Not” Excuse Dear Greg, I’ve been dating a guy for a month. We’ve had sex and it’s been nice. Just when it seemed like things were really “taking off,” we stopped having sex. I’ve stayed over at his house four times now and we end up just…sleeping. Some cuddling, but that’s about it. It’s weird, but sex just doesn’t happen anymore. It’s humiliating to have to ask him what’s going on, so I’m just going to assume that it’s actually because he’s really, really into me, and he’s just scared. Sally FROM THE DESK OF GREG Dear Just Cuddling, A month? A month?! Are you freaking kidding me? This should be the time when he’s getting comfortable enough to bring up the subject of outfits, positions, lotions, and anal. A month? The only thing he should be tired of is thinking of different ways to ravage you. And after only a month, he really wouldn’t be tired of that. Now, you can get up the nerve to ask him what’s going on—communication is never a bad idea. But my guess is that you probably already have - 16 - Greg, I Get It! by Leslie, Age 29 Greg! I get it. I went to this party and I met this guy. We started talking immediately by ourselves, off in a corner. He asked if I was single and seemed pleased when I said I was. Whenever we split up to talk to other people, or to get drinks or whatever, he always kept his eye on me. It was really cool. I was all excited and fluttery with that “Oh my God, I think I just met someone!” feeling. He didn’t ask for my number, but we know lots of people in common, so I thought he was just playing it cool. He never called me! And you know what? Normally I would call our mutual friends and start fishing and trying to figure out what happened and maybe try to find another way to see him again. But instead, I’m just going to move on! Who cares what his deal is. He’s not asking me out, so why should I start obsessing over him? I’m just going to go out tonight and try to meet someone else. People tell you who they are all the time. When a man says he can’t be monogamous, you should believe him. Companionship is wonderful, but companionship with sex is even better. Call a spade a spade or, more fittingly, a friend a friend, and go find yourself a friend that can’t keep his hands off you. Your lost self-esteem may take longer to find than a new boyfriend, so prioritize accordingly. If you’re tempted to spend countless nights just cuddling with someone, buy a puppy. There’s someone out there that does want to have sex with you, hot stuff. - 18 -
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