Unruly: The Number One Bestseller ‘Horrible Histories for grownups’ The Times

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All the mouldering bones of their hundreds of dead relatives, clustered at Westminster and Windsor but also dotted all over the place – Gloucester, Worcester, Reading, various places in Normandy, that car park in Leicester – must all be revolving with such vigour that, as a subterranean energy source, it represents a viable alternative to fracking. How this happened, who it happened to and why it matters in modern Britain are all questions David answers with brilliance, wit and the full erudition of a man who once studied history – and won’t let it off the hook for the mess it’s made. They went so far as to claim that they were in fact the rightful kings of France despite all the evidence to the contrary and repeatedly threw all their resources into mounting military expeditions to ruin the lives of thousands of innocent French residents which achieved, in even the medium term, precisely nothing. You or I could have told them it was impossible – against the laws of physics – but, drunk on notions of regal greatness and their divine right, they bought into the notion again and again.

But the real nightmare was when they seemed briefly to succeed, as happened under Edward III and Henry V. David Mitchell brings adelightfully contrary and hilariously cantankerous eye to the history of the English monarchy, offering a jewel of an insight or a refreshing blast of clarifying wit on every page. Once Richard had genuinely died, he murdered the only rival claimant, his nephew Arthur, possibly with his bare hands, which feels like unnecessary attention to detail. In 2023, we flatter ourselves that we no longer put foes’ eyes out with swords or die of bubonic plague, and that the NHS, universal suffrage, widespread literacy, CBT, social media and increased life expectancy make us different from the toxic wingnuts who predominate in Mitchell’s book. King Alfred, the first king to lay claim to ruling the English as a people and the only English king to have been issued with the epithet “Great”, nevertheless spent a large part of his early reign hiding from the Vikings in a bog – by which I mean a marsh.Monarchy lends itself not to capable and professional rulers like Henry I, but rather to chancers and scumbags like Stephen and Matilda who caused misery to their subjects in ways that make later virtuosos Johnson and Truss seem like rank amateurs. It’s a tale of narcissists, inadequate self-control, middle-management insurrection, uncivil wars, and a few Cnuts, as the English evolved from having their crops stolen by the thug with the largest armed gang to bowing and paying taxes to a divinely anointed king.

BBC One), the host of The Unbelievable Truth on Radio 4 and one of the Observer's most popular columnists. This article was amended on 16 October 2023 to remove a reference that was inconsistent with the Guardian’s style guidelines.The modern royals may provide a few scandals and embarrassments for the public to enjoy or condemn or both, but it’s just a muted and low-key coda to the centuries of humiliation, incompetence, criminality and failure exhibited by their far more powerful predecessors. During the reign of his predecessor, his elder brother Richard the Lionheart, he tried to steal the throne by pretending Richard was dead. Kingship, despite the crown, robes, processions, coaches, trumpets and anthems, has often been an undignified activity – all the more so because it’s supposed to be dignified. Taking us right back to King Arthur (spoiler: he didn’t exist), David tells the founding story of post-Roman England right up to the reign of Elizabeth I (spoiler: she dies). In the same way, a victory such as Agincourt fatally skewed English expectations of military success with repeatedly bleak consequences.

Four years later, when Harold himself was dead, the new king, his half-brother Harthacnut, took revenge on Alfred’s behalf: he had Harold’s body dug up, beheaded and then chucked in a ditch. For most of the middle ages from the Norman Conquest onwards, the kings of England were obsessed with acquiring or re-acquiring large sections of France. Throughout the middle ages, our rulers supposedly had the endorsement of God, which made their failures all the more humiliating. By turns fascinating and funny – there is a jewel of an insight or a refreshing blast of clarifying wit on every page.To be portrayed to the country and the world as so important and yet be able to walk into every room without seeming arrogant, despite the presence of hundreds of people starting to bow and scrape, is a unique gift. Henry I, whose only legitimate son died in that shipwreck I mentioned, had nearly 30 children out of wedlock: 28 or 29 – something like that. Henry II’s infidelities so enraged his wife, Eleanor of Aquitaine, that she incited their sons into civil war just to wind him up.