You cannot help but notice that codependents must deal with a handful of problems including the scariest one of all: separating the truth from the lies. Understanding of codependency Become very angry every once in a while, and take a defensive stance when others believe that codependents should embrace a different standpoint. Sometimes, when we take care of our beloved ones, we put our basic needs and interests aside. This behavior may create some destructive inner patterns and put the entire life on hold. It’s a path that nobody wants to take.

Detachment is based on the premises that each person is responsible for himself, that we can't solve problems that aren't ours to solve, and that worrying doesn't help. We adopt a policy of keeping our hands off other people's rsponsibilities and tend to our own instead. ... Kad čia pat knyga kalba apie tai, kas nėra rūpestis savimi ir kaltės atsikratymas - piktybinis kito neišgirdimas ar elgesys, kai žinai, kad kenki kitam, nėra "savo poreikių tenkinimas", abejingumas ir pasyvi agresija nėra "rūpestis savimi" ar "savo ribų brėžimas". When we attempt to control people and things that we have no business controlling, we are controlled. We forfeit our power to think, feel, and act in accordance with our best interests. Never forget that alcoholics and other troubled persons are expert controllers. We have met our match when we attempt to control them. we lose the battles, We lose the wars. We lose our selves---our lives. You didn't cause it; you can't control it; and you can't cure it. p 80 I've seen wonderful things happen to people, as well as terrible tragedies. There are no guarantees, but chances are that at some point, life is going to hurt like hell. That person or thing you valued most may be what you're going to lose. You may have to live without the one thing you said you couldn't or wouldn't. The blessings are going to be better than you can imagine, but you may also go through pain that's so intense you think it couldn't get any worse."Although I am not dealing specifically/only with an alcoholic, there are other controlling behaviors that this applies to. Not necessarily a chemical or substance dependency. Anything that affects your behavior that you find yourself trying to control situations to avoid that behavior. This book made me realize that I have a voice and an opinion and both matter just as much as the next person. I realized that I can make decisions and not have to worry if my opinion is what other people may think or want. My opinion is exactly that…my opinion. It is okay to have an opinion that is different than someone else’s.

An unhealthy dependence on relationships. The co-dependent will do anything to hold on to a relationship; to avoid the feeling of abandonmentThis experience has been a struggle to admit that I felt insecure. I’d questioned my confidence when we were together, and behaviors I thought were dependable were enabling. To process my codependent behavior and understand my contribution to that behavior in my relationships, I begin by journaling, What is codependency? In Codependent No More, Melody says, “the heart of the definition and recovery lies not in the other person-no matter how much we believe it does. It lies in ourselves, in the ways we have let other people’s behavior affect us and in the ways we try to affect them.” Few situations—no matter how greatly they appear to demand it—can be bettered by us going berserk. Why do we do it, then? We react because we’re anxious and afraid of what has happened, what might happen, and what is happening. Many of us react as though everything is a crisis because we have lived with so many crises for so long that crisis reaction has become a habit. We react because we think things shouldn’t be happening the way they are. We react because we don’t feel good about ourselves. We react because most people react. We react because we think we have to react. We don’t have to. We don’t have to be so afraid of people. They are just people like us. We don’t have to forfeit our peace. It doesn’t help. We have the same facts and resources available to us when we’re peaceful that are available to us when we’re frantic and chaotic. Actually we have more resources available because our minds and emotions are free to perform at peak level.” This does not mean the wife is an alcoholic and it does not mean she approves of the alcoholic's behavior. It means that her warped way of coping with that stress actually enables her husband's problem. She might try to ignore the problem, or try to solve the problem herself, or cover up for her husband--but whatever her behavior, she is actually taking responsibility for his behavior or her shoulders. She is an enabler--she makes it easy for him to be an alcoholic. When the problem gets worse and worse and the wife doesn't understand why, she's bound to feel hopeless, helpless, angry, stressed and probably bitter. The truth was I didn't UNDERSTAND the meaning of the word codependent, or the behaviors of someone with codependency, and certainly not the birth of these behaviors. This book helped me to truly explore that, and I can only say that I am happier on the other side of this book -- and a hell of a lot less anxious LOL.

Don't feel hesitation for demonstrating their rage about injustices done to others but shy away from applying that same logic under circumstances that cause disturbance to them. Think that they are responsible for the feelings of the other person. This sense of liability emerges in various shapes and sizes through thoughts, actions, wants, and deeds – you name it.The activities in this workbook are definitely therapeutic. Everyone is going to have a different way of approaching these activities and getting through this book. For me, I didn't accomplish all the tasks, but it still gave me a wider view of my needs with what I read. I am fully aware that this is a book that one will need to go through multiple times - for the reminders and the activities - but that's recovery; either from codependency, depression, anxiety - really - any mental illness, or a tough chapter. It's baby steps and reminders. Get through this book once, obtain what you can. Process, work the steps the best you can, then do it all over again. Codependency doesn’t mean that you’re a bad person. Working together is the best way for humans to survive and thrive in society. I believe learning about codependency is doing work to develop a healthier relationship with our partners and ourselves. I’m enjoying learning about these behaviors I don’t know about and realize I’m not alone in the struggle of being human. The difficulties I’m experiencing, someone else has experienced to some degree, and someone else will share some similarities. But after one book and a few online searches, where do I go from here? A friend, Scott Egleston, who is a professional in the mental health field, told me a therapy fable. He heard it from someone, who heard it from someone else. It goes:

Feel insecure and often guilty when it comes to spending money on their basic needs or doing some other stuff for their pleasure. I stumbled upon this book a little late. I had already had my crisis, realized I needed to change my life and started taking steps in the right direction. Therefore, about half of the book I didn't need. I could see myself 5 or 10 years ago in a few chapters, 1 or 2 years ago in others. It made me a little angry that I had to go through some of the things I went through via trial and error, without the aid of this little self-help book. I could see how helpful it would have been if I had had it then. If you already know what co-dependency is, this isn't the book for you. This is a book for those who are struggling and have no idea what the hell is wrong with them. We all know these people. They don't know yet that they need help, but they do. After finishing Codependent No More, I can already feel that this will be a relationship game-changer. Like, Awaken the Giant Within, The Laws of Human Nature, Mindset, Flow, Messengers, You Are the Placebo, and Thinking, Fast and Slow. This feels like an immediate significant resource to share. What I didn’t know or recognize I knew this was a classic of the genre, but I found myself unimpressed by it. Maybe I came at it with the wrong expectations? I was thinking of "co-dependency" in a more generic sense — say, the way a married couple can be enmeshed and lose their boundaries with each other. Beattie's book instead seems dated to me, bound up as it is with the classic origins of the term "co-dependence" in the partners of alcoholics. I do not agree that any healing is dependent on having a belief in any God, Higher Power or set steps. In my humble, imperfect, but conscientiously observed opinion, it is dependent on a deeply honest, deeply caring uncovering of both our personal layers of trauma and our inherent intelligence and wisdom. As far as I'm concerned, if anyone tries to tell you you need God, 12 Steps and Higher Power to heal, then I suggest running the other way because they are likely attempting some form of evangelical conversion - a form of violence completely antithetical to healing.Much of this book references alcoholism (people often develop codependent behaviors in response to having an addict in their lives), and while that is not what brought about my codependent behaviors, I still found this book to be really helpful. I imagine that it could be particularly resonant for those actually in that situation. Melody Beattie’s compassionate and insightful look into codependency—the concept of losing oneself in the name of helping another— has helped millions of readers understand that they are powerless to change anyone but themselves and that caring for the self is where healing begins.