Many of my clients are with controlling men. The 6 Intimacy Skills empower these women to honor their desires and limitations. Amazingly, the man ends up being inspired to become his best self too. I frowned at the lettuce he bought (too wilted), grimaced when he talked about buying a new car (too expensive) and rolled my eyes at the shows he enjoyed (too low-brow). I was quieter but no less annoying. 5. Asking leading questions

Connie, it is so painful to have such a disconnect with your husband, especially after the changes you made. I really admire your commitment in choosing your faith over your fear. I’ve been alone for a long time now, so it doesn’t make much difference in my day-to-day life. I’m sad that the happy, bubbly, open version of ‘me’ is dead. I have a barbed wire fence wrapped around me now and I no longer believe in love, romance or any of that junk. It’s turned me very cold. I’ve always gone out of my way to make everyone else feel good, offer support, cheerlead them, spoil them with gifts, try to make everyone else’s life a bit better. I’m done with that. Other than a handful of relatives, I’m not wasting my time or energy any more. I’ve learned the hard way that when you are nice to people they just see a giant ‘idiot’ sign on your forehead and think they can take advantage of that. I was the perfect wife--until I actually got married. When I tried to tell my husband how to be more romantic, more ambitious, and tidier, he avoided me. I dragged him to marriage counseling and nearly divorced him. I then started talking to women who had what I wanted in their marriages and that’s when I got my miracle. The man who wooed me returned. Humiliation is sometimes characterized as a desire to hide or escape. It is closely related to shame. While guilt is generally associated with feelings of doing something wrong, shame is correlated with feeling like a bad person. A guilty person might say, “I made a bad decision,” while a shameful person might say, “I am bad.” People experiencing humiliation commonly experience shame, particularly when the humiliation is public or involves a behavior closely tied to self-esteem. Ritualized HumiliationMy entire family, extended family, neighborhood, friends, teachers etc humiliated me regularly and severely. It evolved into my teen relationships, sometimes it was because of social mis steps and sometimes just for the fun and it carried on into my adult life. Partly organically, like, if I met someone in a group who knew me as a child, they would then let everyone know of my misdeeds as a child so they could get a laugh at my expense and all of a sudden I become that person again. I moved to a new city but still, I think because I just don’t know how to act around people because I was always so ostracized… I’m now very sensitive to even the most mild humiliation like being left out (which happens on the rare occasion I try to “put myself out there” and have friends), or being used or talked about etc. I can’t handle it and I just recluse sometimes for years. You are not alone. Many clients initially express frustration that they have to do all the work when the husband should be doing his part. I agree! But I couldn’t get my husband to do his part. I did drag him to counseling, but it only made our disconnect worse. The 6 Intimacy Skills gave me the power to turn things around, regardless of whether he was resistant.

Laura Doyle is a New York Times Bestselling Author, Relationship Expert, Host of The Empowered Wife Podcast at Laura Doyle Connect. | Updated: 09/05/2023 On the road to giving up my controlling ways, I tried to make modifications, tried to be more subtle, even thought I was improving at times with some of the techniques below. But all of it got me to the same lonely spot: wondering why my husband was withdrawn, distant and defensive. How much to contribute to his 401K, which clothes to get rid of in the closet so we (read: I) would have more room. Since I believed I was smarter than him, this was only logical. 4. Shooting him disapproving looks.It’s sad to hear so many people going through similar experiences. I hope some/all of you are doing better now. I thought I was doing ok and had recovered. I was bullied throughout childhood both at school and by my dad, then handed over to a pedophile, raped, stabbed and treated as a sex toy for a while in my teens. I had an interesting start to life. Then later on as an adult I had a very abusive relationship with someone that left a few more scars. But I had a lot of therapy and had built up my self esteem again and was starting to do ok.

Meghan, yikes, I’m sorry to hear that the otherwise perfect guy is so controlling and possessive. I can see why it’s too much for you!I remember when hurtful words were the norm in my marriage. It was such a struggle not to be able to respect his choices or bad decisions. Then I found the 6 Intimacy Skills, which restored the peace and passion–and inspired him to be his best self. Cynthia, Laura teaches a skill called “expressing your desires in a way that inspires.” It is very different than nagging, feels better, and yields better results. It often starts with “I’d love to…” Humiliation. (n.d.). Emotional Competency. Retrieved from http://www.emotionalcompetency.com/humiliation.htm Rosenberg, S. (n.d.). Humiliation. Beyond Intractability. Retrieved from http://www.beyondintractability.org/bi-essay/Humiliation

Mommy of 4, what you’re going through sounds exhausting. You are doing so much! I admire your courage and commitment in fighting for your marriage all these years. Me and my husband are not talking with each other. I am trying to overcome his behavior but don’t know why nothing is getting materialize. have come across your how to control husband article. I wrote a few books about what I learned and accidentally started a worldwide movement of women who practice The Six Intimacy Skills™ that lead to having amazing, vibrant relationships. The thing I’m most proud of is my playful, passionate relationship with my hilarious husband John–who has been dressing himself since before I was born. The underlying message, no matter how you look at it, is that he’s a failure as a husband. In my experience, this wins hands-down for the most expensive way to try to control your husband. 7. Telling him how I would do things. I barely leave the house now. I work online with a team, but rarely communicate with anyone else. I’ve lost all trust in humans and I’m burnt out from being used and thrown away so many times. I can’t help but view other people as dangerous wild animals that could turn around and bite me at any moment. It just isn’t worth the risk to get close to anyone again. There are a few people in my family that I will let in to a certain extent, but even then I am wary of getting hurt. It’s completely changed me as a person. Maybe that’s a good thing.

It wasn’t until I learned to recognize my controlling behavior and make a different choice that the romance returned.