Blow, Adrian J, Hartnett, Kelley "INFIDELITY IN COMMITTED RELATIONSHIPS II: A SUBSTANTIVE REVIEW" Journal of Marital and Family Therapy, April 2005, retrieved from [1] So here you are. You’ve reached that point where it feels like the only thing worse than having an affair would be not having an affair. I wonder if he’s still married to the same woman — and if so — is he still betraying her? Does he still get a thrill from chasing the next best thing? I get in line at the bar behind two pretty dark-haired women. Their arms are folded over their stylish cropped tops, and they cover their mouths as they giggle even though they are speaking Korean. With each conspiratorial laugh, they move closer to each other like a calf huddling next to its mother’s udder. I wonder how to penetrate their fortification.

So, when we limit our emotional pantry to happy, sad, and angry we’re missing a world of subtle emotional flavors for ourselves and those to whom we are trying to serve a nutritious and satisfying dish. Despite my confidence in my overall intelligence, I had a 4-year affair I had with a married man. Yup. That was not a winning move. Understatement. As you can see, affairs of your heart can be simple stuff, complicated issues, and serious developments. They can involve another person, a particular event, an experience, a dream or goal, a habit, a self-indulgence, etc. It may involve good things that become too important. Schutzwohl, Achim & Koch, Stephanie "Sex differences in jealousy: The recall of cues to sexual and emotional fidelity in personally more and less threatening context conditions." Department of Psychology, University of Bielefeld, Germany 2004.

My heart dropped when I saw them talking to each other – they had this closeness,” says Chloe, 49. “I realised then that it was her that had come between us. He went to her with problems, shared secrets and aspirations – all those things that we used to do together.” Rubin, A. M.; Adams, J. R. (1986). "Outcomes of sexually open marriages". Journal of Sex Research. 22 (3): 311–319. doi: 10.1080/00224498609551311. I’m a kind and positive person. I try to see the good in people. I give others the benefit of the doubt because I know that in the big scheme of things, everyone’s working on something. To be this way in the world, I need to have good boundaries. But at the time I was married, mine were paper thin. As strange as it may sound, my advice is based on the assumption that you have high moral aspirations. You are in a difficult situation where an affair seems like the only way out. You’re through trying to get by without important needs being met. Your spouse seems incapable of change, but you can’t imagine leaving them without damaging other innocent lives. Chloe is confident the relationship was never physical – but 15 years later it is still enormously hurtful. At the time, they had been married for 12 years and had a three-year-old son. “Before, I thought that pain could only come from a physical betrayal – there wasn’t a rulebook to follow for this type.”

Shirley Glass S 'Not Just Friends - protect your relationship from infidelity and heal the trauma of betrayal' Like everything else in life, affairs can be done well or done poorly. If you read much on the subject, you will hear some people talk about past extra-marital relationships as their biggest regrets, while others consider them to be among their most cherished memories. Which perspective is right?And I’d like to offer them to men in the belief that more than they are writing, motivated men are lurking here in Heart Affairs and vicinity.